I want to know if anyone else is sharing my apathy for the new year.
10 days have passed where I have not looked at anything to do with my PhD. The university has now re-opened for the new year so that those eager few not interested in sun-seeking (not likely in Auckland lately?) can leap back into work.
Normally I’d be one of them. Normally, this is my annual peak of restfulness and motivation. I would be spurred on by the still-festive air that hovers whilst most people remain on holiday well into January. I would enjoy the relative isolation of a half-empty university, and the motivation that comes from having experienced some TIME OFF.
But this is not happening. I’m feeling more stressed than I was at the end of last year. I sat down at my desk yesterday morning to try and remember what exactly I am supposed to be doing. Ever since then I have been experiencing an overpowering feeling of helplessness at the enormity of the task ahead and an ever-failing confidence in my own abilities.
I checked facebook. A rarity for me these days, as to be honest, I it’s mostly full of random people. (That’s why I have a twitter account). Of course, everyone else is doing something more exciting than me. Damn my social networking disorder.
I want to leave this city! (I went for a walk to clear my brain.) I still want to leave this city! Thanks for the tweet @fillupt, normally I’d agree that exercise improves my unmotivated brain, but not today. I’ll try again tomorrow, if you’re keen for boxing? I think I need something more invigorating than a quiet stroll up Mt Maungawhau.
I’m hoping it will pass, as there’s still 4 looooonnnnngggg years ahead. I think I can still say ‘4 years’, as although I’m halfway through my first year, I haven’t actually done anything yet, so I really have no basis in which to deduct any time off the total.
To conclude, why is this year so different to the last few? Is it because I spend my holidays lounging around doing nothing, instead of travelling somewhere new and exciting? Is it because it’s rained so much and there’s been no sun to chase away my SAD tendancies? Probably it’s just because this is the first Christmas I’ve been doing my PhD, and am just not used to the fact that there really are no holidays!
Neural Culture 